I had thursday off work, i went on friday, I didn't go saturday, sunday was my day off, and today i was snowed in. yea.. so i pretty much never work anymore. it's iffy if i'll even be able to make it tomorrow... part of me is hoping I can so i dont feel like such a lazy ass.

I slept in untill 12ish today, called work and said i couldnt make it in, played zelda a bit because i'm cool like that, and then leck picked me up. we had a lazy day. the best kind. Walked into sidney and it was pretty much deserted... all of the stores were closed, including starbucks which had a pretty big impact on my morale. We watched some tv, fell asleep, kept warm...

When i got home i played more zelda and beat half the Fire temple ooooo! but then i got stuck and fell down this hole that brought me back to the beginning, which quickly ended any fun i was having. I don't know why they do that in games, oh you fall down this hole now you have to start over. NO! it's just dumb. we already played all of that and we dont want to do it again! it just makes us hate your game! uhggg sorry i'm just frustrated.

I think I should go to bed, chances are i'll have to get up and go to work so a good sleep is needed.

It's over between me and Ryley, not my decision but what can I do about it? In the end it wasn't my decision to make and there's nowhere to go but forward from here. I'm not going to write about how much it hurts or the thoughts i can't get out of my head because that's just depressing for everyone and i'm not going to focus on the negative.

Here's some things i'm thinking positively about.

I'm ordering a pizza right now, I've been watching Greys Anatomy for a lot of the day and I'm going to go watch some hockey with the guys because maybe guys shouting about hockey will keep my mind off other things. Appearently they want to get'r done grad 26 style. we'll see what that means...

Tomorrow is the Santa parade in Sidney. I'm going to go with my friend Meghan and her boyfriend. yes I've already become a 3rd wheel. awsome! That will make me happy because Christmas is generally a happy time and I really like it.

The mountain opens up on thursday which happens to be one of my days off, so i'll be going up there and doing some snowboarding. My boards been in the shop getting waxed for 2 weeks now, im thinking someone forgot to pick it up because it doesnt usually take that long... anyways hopefully i'll get it back by thursday and hit the slopes. so excited! :)

My friends are coming back from school for christmas, all around the 22nd, so I'm more than excited about that. I havent seen these girls in months and i miss them all. There's going to be some good bonding sesh's when they get back for sure.

I'm thinking about moving to Calgary and going to University there, Ive been looking into some courses and i'd stay in res. I know a lot of people going to school there right now so it wouldn't be a big scary thing. actually it would. but it's time for change. Either that or I stay here and take courses at camosun. my work will cover $2500 of that so that's another good option... i'm going to think on that aswell.

This whole thing has kind of woken me up. i'm tired of being under-appreciated and in the end treated with disrespect. I'm going to step up, get fit again, eat good, look good, work hard, save money and do what i want to do.

I know this wasn't a very good break up post but who wants to write a break up post. So I kind of skipped over it...

edit: oh yea and it really is because of my parents i'm getting through this. i love them. they're helping :)

Just woke up, had dreams about things all night that are no longer a reality for me. I didn't go to work, like I could talk to people about their problems all day when mine are all i can think about. I don't think it's a smart idea to write a blog post about what I'm feeling right now so I'll leave it at that. I'm going to try and keep myself busy

i always knew that everything around you that you know and love has the possibility to end in a split second. I tend not to think about stuff like that because why would i? who thinks about stuff like that on a regular basis? well when the things around you that you know and love start slipping away and you can see it, why not do anything about it? Is it because you're scared to change, scared of what you're becoming and scared to do something about it? When you finally figure out what you've become is really nothing like you... do you ask yourself why? Why did i become who i am now? What is even causing this. this isn't me so what's the reason? Am i scared? is this my defense? to change?

this was my last weekend off for probably a year. I dont think i really took advantage of it but its ok. Me and Leck saw Stranger than Fiction on friday. it was awsome and you should see it.

Saturday i decided to try an get some christmas shopping done. the malls were already crowded and chaotic and it gave me a massive headache. i didnt really end up buying too much, it was too stressful to concentrate.

I was walking by Urge, the place where i got my other piercing and this girl walking by told her boyfriend, "that is the best place EVER to get a piercing" i agreed... to myself and decided to get another one. i walked in and asked how much is it to get my nose pierced. 55 dollars. Are there any waits right now? No. Ok i want to get my nose pierced. it was a little random and not thought through because i always said i hated nose piercings because everyone had them... and most of the time they looked shitty. but now i have my nose pierced and it hurts.

Sunday was the best day. it was my moms birthday and me and leck bonded with the fam the whole day. my grandpa came over and we went for breakfast-lunch (brunch). i had a really good burger. we played games and ate lots of food and made a cake and gave presents and me and leck made amazing cards.

Also my mom made us take "family portraits" so that was AWSOME

Also as of monday my life will become an official routine, i join a team and my regular shifts start. The job's going good so far, im liking it. I havent had too many angry people and if they start scaring me i give them free stuff.

Survivor is on tonight and they have "10 seconds to decide their fate in the game!" i have a sad life.


me and leck went skating last night. i wish i had a video camera it was the best. first off i suck really bad and he hadnt been since grade five. I think we did pretty good because we didnt fall.

skating was the best when you were little because you had those metal things you could push around and go so fast and never fall. also those plastic car things you could get pushed around in.

im hungry bye

no one wants to read a downer post. but what about a revelation one? hmm maybe i could make it into that... we'll see.

lately my life's felt weird and upside down and different. i think it's a mix of a lot of things. i think maybe starting a new job is adding some stress aswell. The other night i found myself sitting up in bed, several times, saying out loud : "Thank you for calling business care, my name is caitlin...". Someone at work told me it was because i felt unfulfilled after work hours and i was resorting back to something stable i knew during the day. i said "thanks for the therapy session..." but then i thought maybe it is true... that day/evening was a rough one for me. who knows. the person who said that also told me to do crafts before i go to bed, so obviosly there is something not quite right there.

I don't know why i've been feeling differently really... ever since i got back from Europe my emotions have been up in the air. coming back from an amazing trip and realising you have to rejoin reality can sometimes screw up emotions. what i'm wondering is why havent they gone back to normal?

Today was a bad one for sure. work was stress x 100. every call was an angry american screaming at me to fix their problems. i had a migrane and too much on my mind. after work i deffinitely needed someone to talk to. probably the most helpless i've felt in a while. nothing i can do to make myself feel better, or anyone else feel better. all i needed to get through the night was a little "its going to be ok". but it wasnt there. i couldnt tell myself that because how do i know? the only thing i know is that my brain doesnt feel the same and i dont know what to do about it. it's a weird feeling. knowing you're different than you were a few weeks ago and knowing there's nothing to do about it.

my mom came into my room, thinking i was sleeping but found me crying with a cat on my back and mascara running into my nose. My whole life i've been the worst at talking about my feelings, especially with my parents. i decided to talk anyways because what else was i going to do? I talked forever and cried forever and felt better than i have in a long time. i actually got out what i wanted to and was able to say it how i wanted to. if i knew my mom was going to be this helpfull i would have gone to her a long time ago. It felt good having another perspective on things.

of course she went and told my dad because i guess that's what married people do? anyways im not too worried. I needed to stop my brain from processing any thoughts so i went to a movie with them. (flags of our fathers. interesting) i turned my phone off. it's still off. i dont need to talk to anybody. turns out talking really doesnt do me any good anyway. came home and watched greys anatomy with my mom, cried, because it's amazing, and not because of anything else, came on here and now it's time to sleep. the whole night i was planning on how to fall asleep without letting my brain take over thoughts. we'll see how that one goes.

the end.