no one wants to read a downer post. but what about a revelation one? hmm maybe i could make it into that... we'll see.
lately my life's felt weird and upside down and different. i think it's a mix of a lot of things. i think maybe starting a new job is adding some stress aswell. The other night i found myself sitting up in bed, several times, saying out loud : "Thank you for calling business care, my name is caitlin...". Someone at work told me it was because i felt unfulfilled after work hours and i was resorting back to something stable i knew during the day. i said "thanks for the therapy session..." but then i thought maybe it is true... that day/evening was a rough one for me. who knows. the person who said that also told me to do crafts before i go to bed, so obviosly there is something not quite right there.
I don't know why i've been feeling differently really... ever since i got back from Europe my emotions have been up in the air. coming back from an amazing trip and realising you have to rejoin reality can sometimes screw up emotions. what i'm wondering is why havent they gone back to normal?
Today was a bad one for sure. work was stress x 100. every call was an angry american screaming at me to fix their problems. i had a migrane and too much on my mind. after work i deffinitely needed someone to talk to. probably the most helpless i've felt in a while. nothing i can do to make myself feel better, or anyone else feel better. all i needed to get through the night was a little "its going to be ok". but it wasnt there. i couldnt tell myself that because how do i know? the only thing i know is that my brain doesnt feel the same and i dont know what to do about it. it's a weird feeling. knowing you're different than you were a few weeks ago and knowing there's nothing to do about it.
my mom came into my room, thinking i was sleeping but found me crying with a cat on my back and mascara running into my nose. My whole life i've been the worst at talking about my feelings, especially with my parents. i decided to talk anyways because what else was i going to do? I talked forever and cried forever and felt better than i have in a long time. i actually got out what i wanted to and was able to say it how i wanted to. if i knew my mom was going to be this helpfull i would have gone to her a long time ago. It felt good having another perspective on things.
of course she went and told my dad because i guess that's what married people do? anyways im not too worried. I needed to stop my brain from processing any thoughts so i went to a movie with them. (flags of our fathers. interesting) i turned my phone off. it's still off. i dont need to talk to anybody. turns out talking really doesnt do me any good anyway. came home and watched greys anatomy with my mom, cried, because it's amazing, and not because of anything else, came on here and now it's time to sleep. the whole night i was planning on how to fall asleep without letting my brain take over thoughts. we'll see how that one goes.
the end.
lately my life's felt weird and upside down and different. i think it's a mix of a lot of things. i think maybe starting a new job is adding some stress aswell. The other night i found myself sitting up in bed, several times, saying out loud : "Thank you for calling business care, my name is caitlin...". Someone at work told me it was because i felt unfulfilled after work hours and i was resorting back to something stable i knew during the day. i said "thanks for the therapy session..." but then i thought maybe it is true... that day/evening was a rough one for me. who knows. the person who said that also told me to do crafts before i go to bed, so obviosly there is something not quite right there.
I don't know why i've been feeling differently really... ever since i got back from Europe my emotions have been up in the air. coming back from an amazing trip and realising you have to rejoin reality can sometimes screw up emotions. what i'm wondering is why havent they gone back to normal?
Today was a bad one for sure. work was stress x 100. every call was an angry american screaming at me to fix their problems. i had a migrane and too much on my mind. after work i deffinitely needed someone to talk to. probably the most helpless i've felt in a while. nothing i can do to make myself feel better, or anyone else feel better. all i needed to get through the night was a little "its going to be ok". but it wasnt there. i couldnt tell myself that because how do i know? the only thing i know is that my brain doesnt feel the same and i dont know what to do about it. it's a weird feeling. knowing you're different than you were a few weeks ago and knowing there's nothing to do about it.
my mom came into my room, thinking i was sleeping but found me crying with a cat on my back and mascara running into my nose. My whole life i've been the worst at talking about my feelings, especially with my parents. i decided to talk anyways because what else was i going to do? I talked forever and cried forever and felt better than i have in a long time. i actually got out what i wanted to and was able to say it how i wanted to. if i knew my mom was going to be this helpfull i would have gone to her a long time ago. It felt good having another perspective on things.
of course she went and told my dad because i guess that's what married people do? anyways im not too worried. I needed to stop my brain from processing any thoughts so i went to a movie with them. (flags of our fathers. interesting) i turned my phone off. it's still off. i dont need to talk to anybody. turns out talking really doesnt do me any good anyway. came home and watched greys anatomy with my mom, cried, because it's amazing, and not because of anything else, came on here and now it's time to sleep. the whole night i was planning on how to fall asleep without letting my brain take over thoughts. we'll see how that one goes.
the end.
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